Living Simplified

I just read a great post about leadership over at Pig Wisdom.

Jack Hayhow makes several fine points. I won’t sully up his post with my simple stuff, but I will say this :

I cannot stand to work for someone who knows nothing about what ” we ” do.

I cannot work for someone who’s not as good as I am.

Here’s the good thing…I don’t have to. I’m good at what I do and am in demand, so I will not work ( not long anyway ) for a loser of a boss.

Make sure to keep yourself in a position of power, make sure you never put yourself in a financial position of having to keep a job that sucks the life out of you.

You’re gonna live, work, grow old and die. Don’t live like a dead man ( or woman ) in between birth and death.

Keep your debt and expenses down, save up a * piss on you fund * and keep control of your life.

A piss-on-you-fund is three months of living expenses. Keep this in a liquid account and you will never have to work for a vampire boss that sucks the life out of you !

In the essence of the way Liz over at biz.erati does some of her posts, I’m going to tell you a little story that has 3 points/lessons/truths for you.

Sorry, if you’re offended by the word crap, you might not want to read any further.

There once was a young bird who left his home up north a little too late in the year for his first trip south for the winter.

He got caught up in a blizzard with howling north winds that chilled him to the bone.

He couldn’t fly any further and fell to the ground in a cattle field.

There he lay, freezing. Near death, he saw a large bull come over. The bull saw his plight and decided to help the little bird, so he crapped all over him.

The warmth from the crap brought up his body temperature. He soon felt like he was gonna live. The joy he felt made him break out in song !

A large farm cat that was in the barn heard his song and came out to see what the fuss was all about.

Seeing the little bird there in the crap, the cat couldn’t pass up an easy meal, so he swatted the little bird out of the crap ( and the crap out of the little bird ) and devoured him on the spot.

There’s 3 lessons here.

1) Everybody who craps on you isn’t your enemy.

2) Everybody who helps you out of the crap you’re in isn’t your friend.

3) When you’re in deep crap, sometimes the best thing to do is keep quiet.

Here’s the scenario :

Everyday, I go into a convenience store or stop at a newspaper box and try to buy a copy of USA Today.

Too many days I get my heart broken by an empty box or an empty shelf.

Subscribe dummy !, is what you’re screamin’.

Well, I’m a salesman and not at my home every weekday, so that ain’t the solution.

The solution is for those that fill the shelves and the boxes to increase the number of papers they put in the box UNTIL they have 1 left everyday.

Here’s how it should work. You go into Duke’s Donuts, on Monday, and you leave them 10 papers. They sell donuts, coffee and newspapers to people like me.

Tuesday morning when you come back, all the papers are gone, so you leave 15.

Wednesday you come back and they’re all gone again, so you leave 20.

Thursday you come back and there’s 2 left so you leave 20 again, not 18.

Why ?

Because you always want some product on the shelf or in the box. Never, ever leave so few that there’s no product.

I buy a USA Today at 10 PM, sometimes on my way into my hotel. Old news is still news and it beats the heck out of the TV news, so don’t think the sales of a newspaper stop at noon.

Never let your shelf or box run dry. All that does is make people like me stop at other boxes or convenience stores.

Adjust your inventory til you average having one or two left every morning…not zero !

So here I am heading down the Audubon Parkway today. It connects Owensboro, Ky and Henderson, KY. About 25 miles, give or take 3.

There’s a toll booth that extracts .50 cents for your driving pleasure. You can take ( State ) Highway 60, if you want a no charge 2 lane route. I chose toll and four lanes ’cause I was gonna go as fast as legally possible.

I use the cup holder in my console for change collection, for just such moments as this. When I get 50 pennies built up, I go the toll route to divest myself of them.

Today I dropped in all 50 pennies at once. What’s the big deal with that, you ask ?

Well, there’s a sign on top of the change collector that says something to the tune of , ” If you’re broke enough to use pennies, please deposit them one…at…a…time. ”

If you knew me very well, you’d know that sooner or later I’m gonna have to see why you have to deposit them one…at…a…time. I just will. Have to. No doubt.

Today was D-Day. That stands for Deposit Day. AllAtOnce ! At least 20 other times over the last 16 months, I’ve done it one…at…a…time. Or close to it.

What the heck happens, you wonder ? Does it speak to you ? Does it flash some lights and ring bells ? Does it spit ‘em back out ?

None of the above.

What happens is a large woman with a flyswatter comes out of her booth and pokes at the pile of pennies with a State of Kentucky issued flyswatter and gives you a stern look while pointing at the sign. Honest, a flyswatter and she uses the handle while holding it by the business end.

I’m assuming the stern look was because of the cold temperatures. Surely she wouldn’t give me that look, me the customer, me the only reason she has a job, me Mr. 50 Pennies himself, because I threw all 50 in at once.

I mean really, over the years since that toll booth was built, you’d figure that the state had collected enough to have the machine serviced so that customers can throw whatever they want, coin wise, in there and have it do it’s job. If not, maybe they better up the toll to .55 cents and when they get enough collected they can have the machine serviced or even put in a new one.

Why do you expect me, the customer to change ( get it ? ) the way I throw coins ? Shouldn’t I be able to just dump ‘em in and let it count ? The coin counters at the bank work like that. They don’t have to drop ‘em in one…at…a…time.

And c’mon, a flyswatter ? At least get those poor souls that collect our coins a real instrument of pokiness !

How about even having some business sponsor the pokers ?

Think about it. ” This episode of coin poking brought to you by All-State Insurance. You’re in Good Hands With All-State and Your Coins Are, Too ! ”

Or maybe the Casino Aztar gambling boat in Evansville (IN ), ” Got Poker ? We Do ! ”

There’s a myriad of ideas that we can throw out there to help the state change the way they do this pokey deed.

Next week, I’ll go that way again and I’ll take my camera with me and get you a picture of all this coin operated fun. Count on it ( get it ).

Sorry, that was bad. But not as bad as State issued flyswatters.

I just got an email from Esquire, the magazine. I don’t subscribe and I don’t purchase it off the rack, so I’m not sure where they got my email address. Maybe from the guys who try to sell me all those ‘ego boosters’ every day.

They want me to send them back a ” What I’ve Learned ” email. Presumably so they can publish it with a few others that reply and maybe make an article out of it. Or a book.

Think of that. If 25,000 people respond and we’ve all given them permission, they just got a free book written for them. All they have to do is format and publish.

Heck, you know we’re all gonna buy a copy to see if we’re in there. 25,000 copies sold in the first week to all of us goobers that sent back the email. AND, we already know what we said !

I’ve thought about it and I may try to come up with a set of ” What I’ve Learned ” rules in the next couple of days, so I can get in there with the rest of y’all.

Help me out here and let me know what you’ve learned, life lesson wise. Maybe I can just steal yours and I won’t have to do any thinking of my own.

That would be simple. My kind of style.

While sitting here wondering whether or not to get into a full blown post about sales, marketing, advertising or some other subject worthy of a post, I was listening to ESPN in the background.

Terrell Owens, a Philadelphia Eagles ( sometimes ) wide receiver was apologizing for dissing his team and teammates. Really smart man, T.O., bites the hand that throws to him and the one that pays him.

Kinda stupid, is he not ?

Some reporter stuck his mic in the faces of some of his teammates, hoping with a fervent, nasty hope, that one of them would go ballistic for him. No takers.

Here’s what I would have said, had I been bigger, stronger and faster and in front of one of the lockers the reporter was stalking:

Who gives a damn what Terrell Owens says, thinks or does !

He’s one small pimple on the butt of the NFL.

He’s obviously very self-centered, not very well spoken, not very well educated and his opinions are virtually worthless because of those facts.

He’s done nothing heroic. No saving of babies from burning houses. No rushing into a bank and stopping a robbery. Hasn’t spent the night trying to keep someone alive in an ER in inner city New York. Nothing.

Nothing but having a unique ability to catch an oblong ball and run with it. Not that big of a deal. I’ve done it, just not as well as he. Others do it daily, just as well and for less cash. Think about that, Mr. General Manager, just as well and for less cash. Should be an easy one to fix, this small problem.

That ability doesn’t make his thoughts worth listening to, he just doesn’t know that, because he really likes listening to himself, so he thinks eveybody else does too.

Here’s how the Eagles and the other teams can fix this problem. It’s real simple and you know I like simple.

Cut his stupid butt ! Send him home and when no other teams pick him up, the reporters will stop sticking mic’s in front of him and he’ll have to face the reality that he’s really rather insignificant in the grand scheme of life.

No other teams need his services, either. Don’t pick him up. Leopards don’t change their spots. Zebra’s are always stripey…black, white, black, white. He’s dissing his teammates and getting paid to do it. He’s done it everywhere he’s been, he’ll do it to you, too, if you’re dumb enough to pick him up.

Trust me on this one, you won’t miss him. We won’t miss him. The NFL won’t miss him.

I’m tired of seeing him, hearing him and seeing you pay him to be stupid. Wake up Eagles management and call his agent and tell him to come get his personal items.

Perception is a terrible thing, sometimes. He perceives that the mindless babbling that spews from his mouth is important. I perceive that it ain’t.

A survey on ESPN’s homepage says 80% of the 42,000 ( at the time I wrote this ) who responded agree with me.

Sorry to get away from the usual subjects around here, but I do feel better. I’ll really feel good when he’s unemployed.

If you saw the previous post, you already know that the freaks line up and take turns going to the Post Office.

Wednesday comes and I innocently go to my local Post Office. All I want to do is go in, fill out a Priority Mail envelope and mail it. As quickly and painlessly as is possible.

I’m third in line behind two ladies who shop for their clothes at Wal-Mart. How can I tell ? That’s the only place where they can buy cheap Spandex bottoms and grossly over-size t-shirts.

Sidenote: Spandex bottoms and grossly over-size t-shirts are fine if you don’t go outside. If you’re going out into the public eye, put on something else. Oh, and leave your furry house slippers at home. I don’t want to see your toes.

Lady in Spandex #1 is on her cellphone, while the clerk waits for her to tell her daughter ALL about her doctor visit. EEEWWWWW ! I really don’t want to her about your visit, your symptoms and the diagnosis. That’s what home phones and the privacy of your living room is for. Don’t talk about this stuff on a cellphone in a public place.

Cost of my time - approximately 4 minutes.

Lady in Spandex #2 is on her cellphone with her Mama. She’s telling her all about getting kicked out of her apartment, all of her bills are late, she’s got no car and she just found out she’s pregnant.

What the heck ! Can you not go see your Mama and tell her something like this in person ? The Post Office waiting line and a cellphone should not be the two vehicles for relaying this kind of info.

Finally, a nearly normal lady in jeans and a top ( REAL clothes, what a concept ! ) comes in to wait behind me. Or suffer behind me, since we have to listen to these two conversations before the clerk can help them. Or try to help them, since I’m not sure Dr. Phil AND Oprah could really help either one of these poor souls.

Lady #3 has been back there about 9 minutes, suffering with me in silence. She starts looking around the walls and nosing around the lobby. I’m figuring she’s just bored. Finally she leans over to the side of me and yells to the clerk, ” Where do I deposit this FedEx envelope ? ”

Looking at the clerk I say ” I’ll help this one, you get the other 2. ”

I look at her and in my most earnest and sincere voice I say, ” Have you thought about depositing it at a FedEx office and not at the Post Office ? ”

” You mean I can’t mail it here ? “, she asks.

” No, this is a United States Postal Service office, they don’t handle FedEx or UPS packages. ”

” Well, they should. This is gonna be more trouble than it’s worth.”

She turns around, stomps out and leaves me with the 2 Spandex queens.

I envy her for getting to leave and not having to continue to share my view from 3rd place in line.

If you ain’t the lead dog, the view never changes.

Just when you think you have seen and heard it all, you read something like this.

Click Here For A Laugh

I don’t remember how I found this blog, but it’s now in my reader and I wait for a signal from Pluck that tells me there is an update.

I don’t know Blair Warren from Warren Beatty, but I like the blog. The fact that he’s 42, like me, and loves to watch people, like me, has everything to do with it.

Blair, my new blog friend, if you read this, YOU ROCK !

Also, if you read this and you love to read about humans and their quirks, you might like 2 of my wife’s 10 blogs:

Out Of Bounds

Self Help Daily

If you’re not Blair Warren, you should read all three of these blogs and Pluck their feeds and learn something every day about those fantastic animals we call humans and their behavior.

Tell ‘em Mike sent you.

PS - Blair, you are now on my Blog Roll.

I just read one of my all-time favorite blog posts.

Here’s why:

1) It gave me 9 actionable points. I can, I might not, but can conquer every one of these points.

2) These points really do make for better bloggers, as well as better people.

3) These points are not opinion, they are true to life facts.

I hope some of the larger, more well-read blogs pick this up and spread this around. I have approximately 80 blogs in my feed-reader and believe me, these points are not widespread.

Scrivs, Duncan, Paul, Darren, Jeremy…somebody, please spread this around. It is needed.

Here’s the link : http://www.thementalfitnesscenter.com/blog/the-blogging-life/

Average is just as close to the bottom as it is to the top.

I used this today on a co-worker. I don’t know who said it, where I read it or when.

All I know is it is the truth. 100 % fact. No doubt.

If you think that you’re okay just because you think you’re an average worker, you’re wrong.

I hate average people. I hate wishy-washy. I hate fence riders.

Make a decision, Morty. ( remember that line from Bill Murray ? If you know what movie it was, leave me a comment. First one to identify it gets a link, a post, an opportunity to post, or some digital ebook that I can send you )

I’m not sure why people get up in the morning and go off to school, work, the lake, the golf course or wherever it is they go, and go there without the idea of being exceptional, remarkable or unforgettable.

If you’re average, you’re just as likely to get gobbled up by the world as those that are just below average. Think of it like this: You and I are on a golf course in the Canadian Rockies. We come to hole 11 and we hit our drives over by a river. Cold rushing water with Salmon swimming upstream to get to the place where they turn them into fish-oil capsules. A bear see’s us and starts to chase us. You are an average runner. I’m not. I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.

There is absolutely no reason to ” Wake Up And Be Average ! “. You ever see that book on the NY Times Bestseller list ? Me neither. Then why the heck do you do it ?

I’m sure not skilled enough with the English language to learn you how to excel, but if you want to read some fine articles and get some top of the line info on how to excel in all aspects of life, then head over to The Mental Fitness Center and Out Of Bounds. My wife has a multiplicity of good info waitnig on you there.

Tell her Mike sent you.